Business school is a two-year job search, and, based on my current progress, I am destined for a downwardly mobile career in the service industry. But I remedied the situation this weekend in a single bold, slashing stroke.
Thanks for your interest in becoming an Elf for our hand-to-hand promotion on December 23rd & 24th. By responding to this email you will be confirming your attendance for a brief overview/orientation at our midtown office.
Quoting Adam Stein
> Hi,
>
> I’m interested in the position of holiday elf, if you still have availability. I’m energetic, good at interacting with people, and I don’t mind spending time outside or on my feet. I’m a hard worker, and I love Christmas, so the position seems like a perfect fit. I look forward to hearing from you,
>
> Adam Stein
>
> >Be an Elf and Earn Exxxtra $$$ before the Holidays
> >
> >Posted by: xxx@xxx.com
> >Posted on: 2003-11-24, 5:02PM
> >
> >We are looking for fun loving people that are willing to dress up as elves and do hand to hand promotions on December 23rd and Dec 24th. Compensations is $10/per hour @ 8 hours per day.
> >
> >If this sounds like a fun and easy way to make some extra cash before the holidays, please call 212.xxx.xxxx or email me asap.
In answer to your questions:
- Yes, this is real. Someone really posted a job ad offering Exxxtra $$$ for elf-based “hand-to-hand” marketing promotions. I really responded with a straightfaced email expressing interest. The person really replied with an invitation to an elf orientation.
- Yes, I would take the job, but unfortunately the logistics probably aren’t going to work. I assumed I could just show up on the 23rd and receive my elf outfit. The elf orientation is an unexpected hitch.
- No, I can’t rule out that the ad is a coded solicitation for elfin sex workers. Those extra ‘x’s are awfully suspicious, and the phrase “hand-to-hand” lends itself to multiple readings.
- No, I don’t need money that badly. I applied for larfs. I like to find strange ways to entertain myself during Christmas, because Christmas is such an abominable time of the year.
- Yes, my application is a tissue of lies. Particularly that bit about loving Christmas. I loathe everything about Christmas, particularly the elves.
- Yes, this stunt is a complete ripoff of David Sedaris’ Santaland Diaries.
I’m tempted to show up at the orientation dressed as Orlando Bloom, and then get really indignant when they try to take away my bow and quiver. “Goddamn it! If you touch my mithril, I’ll, um, gut you with this firkin, I will! I mean bodkin. Dammit, unhand me…”
