I couldn’t say goodbye to China without sharing some of their gifts to the English language.
Jawbreaking names resulting from painfully literal translations of Chinese ideograms
- Housekeeping Beefsteak Wine Shop
- Wuxing Da Instantly Boiled and Baked Delicacies Park
- Western Sichuan Affiliate Genital Hygiene Research Center
[This last isn’t a terribly awkward translation, except for the fact that no one would actually name a hospital this way in America. Eyeing the stone-faced guard in front of the building, I wondered if he were there to keep people out or to keep patients in. I half-expected to see inmates pressed up against the windows, wearing expressions that said, “You think SARS is bad?” I scanned the Chinese characters above the door for one that resembled a man furiously scratching himself, but unfortunately Chinese characters aren’t that literal.]
Coinages
Seen on a label of Happy News brand Chinese white wine:
It was the “mellwinosity” that sealed the deal. Later when I peeled the foil from the neck of the bottle, I received my first intimation that I probably wouldn’t be reading about the Happy News vineyard in Wine Spectator anytime soon. What I had taken to be a white wine in a green bottle was in fact a green wine in a clear bottle. Minty green. Deep, mellwinous green.
Sign in a park:
What at first appears to be haiku (yeah, haiku is Japanese, so sue me) is actually quite sensible. The sign clearly states that tourists are not allowed to throw rocks or trash at cars on the highway below, and that teenagers should refrain from sweaty grappling by the nearby pagoda. Apparently the park is a favorite place for the kids to indulge in some scorching hot minglement.
“Of Wine and Minglement” will be the title of my tell-all memoir.
A la carte: menu items in the People’s Republic
All items as seen on actual Chinese menus:
- Three delicious ingredients. My first thought was, how can you go wrong? Then I started to imagine combinations like crab lamb banana, and decided to take a pass.
- Fried pig skidney. I just really enjoy the word “skidney.” It sounds like Chinese jive. What up, skidney?
- Seven color American chicken pheasant. Ah, the flavors of home.
- Closed steam fresh. This dish was surprisingly expensive for an item that appears to contain no actual physical matter.
- Capsicums and guts. What part of the animal, exactly, are the guts? I thought guts just generally referred to the messy unappealing bits, as in “I puked up my guts” or “shot in the gut.”
- Fired vice with chicken eggs. “Fired Vice,” the new hit series by Steven Bochco.
- Halogenated pig’s feet. I’m out of wit. I just have no idea what this means.
- Longxi donkey “ship.” I like how they put the word “ship” in quotes, just so confused customers don’t try to use the dish as an actual watercraft.
- Volva with pork slice. No comment.
