(I have a feeling I’m going to lose about 95% of my vast readership with this one. So be it. I’m a lonely warrior for the Truth.)
In the course of about a zillion conversations, it has become clear to me that the backpacking community is laboring under some unfortunate misapprehensions. As it happens, these misapprehensions are all related to a pair of naturally occurring chemical compounds that are responsible for giving life much of its zest. I’d like to set the record straight.
1) Be kind to your tongue. Load up the MSG.
Here’s something you may not have realized: the menu postscript “NO MSG” is really a shorthand for “WE INAPPROPRIATELY SEASON OUR FOOD TO CATER TO THE BASELESS PHOBIAS OF SKITTISH WESTERNERS.”
The smug little boast also happens to be a lie. The menu postscript should read “NO ADDED MSG,” because so many foods are naturally loaded with the substance. Delicious foods in particular, such as parmesan cheese. Reportedly the average Italian takeout meal has more MSG than a typical dish in a Chinese restaurant.
I understand that the term “monosodium glutamate” sounds scary. Table salt would sound scary too if we insisted on calling it “monosodium chlorinate.” Trust me that you wouldn’t want to eat at a restaurant advertising “NO NaCl.”
MSG mostly comes from plants, although it is also found in animal products (including human breast milk, surely not a poisonous substance). It isn’t a byproduct of a sinister laboratory process or nuclear fission. Usually it is distilled from molasses. Glutamate is just an amino acid. Sodium is, well, sodium.
But what about the infamous Chinese Restaurant Syndrome? It’s a myth. Most people who think they have an allergy to MSG show no reaction to the chemical in controlled studies.
Unfortunately, neither side of this debate is particularly well-represented on the Web. The “MSG is scary” camp seems to consist mostly of personal testimonials from people whose lives were transformed when they eliminated this satanic chemical from their diets. Some of the testimonials repeat the absurd claim that as many as 50% of Americans suffer from MSG sensitivity.
The counterpoint in the debate has mainly been taken up by various MSG industry advocacy councils, not the type of organization I usually turn to for health information.
The best counterargument, Jeffrey Steingarten’s entertaining essay “‘Why Doesn’t Everyone in China Have a Headache?”, unfortunately isn’t available online.
A web search does turn up some amusing contradictions, however. For example, MSG is actually being sold as a health supplement by various online homeopathy shops.
Of course, the shops aren’t explicitly billing the supplement as MSG. They’re selling kombu, which is the seaweed used to make dashi, one of the four principal flavorings in Japanese food. Kombu tastes good because it’s loaded with MSG.
GNC comes out and admits as much: “Kombu is often called ‘natural MSG,’ and is used as a flavor enhancer and food tenderizer. It is also used medicinally, especially in Japan and China.” Although this statement deceptively implies there is such a thing as artificial MSG, it is nonetheless factually correct.
The online health store Mighty Natural, on the other hand, is content to completely dissemble, calling kombu a “natural MSG-like tenderizer and flavor enhancer.” (Emphasis added.)
One can plausibly argue that MSG is actually good for you, because it takes the place of more harmful food additives. As one of the anti-MSG web sites says, “More than just a seasoning, MSG is a flavor enhancer. This means it intensifies the existing taste of something rather than altering it.” This is a role normally played by salt and fat.
A very small percentage of the population may have real MSG allergies. You don’t belong to that percentage of the population. How do I know? Unless you’ve been struggling for years with mysterious headaches, stomach problems, chest pains, and burning sensations in your limbs, you have nothing to be worried about. So load up the MSG.
2) There are sources of caffeine in Asia other than Nescafe.™
China has this great new beverage called tea. Tea, all tea, is caffeinated. Herbal infusions, such as chamomile or peppermint, are not caffeinated. But if it’s made of tea leaves, it can deliver the twitches you crave. Monks have been gulping tea for thousands of years to help keep them perky during long hours of meditation.
A few qualifications:
Tea does not have nearly as much caffeine as coffee. An exact comparison is impossible, because caffeine levels depend on the type of tea and the manner in which it is prepared. Dry tea actually contains more caffeine than its equivalent dry weight in coffee, but brewed tea in general only delivers one third to one fourth the kick as a cup of French Roast.
Also, the body absorbs the caffeine in tea more slowly than it does the caffeine in coffee. Coffee delivers a huge boost and then a quick crash. Tea delivers a longer-lasting but mellower buzz, and apparently can even induce a secondary lift after the initial high. Which twitch you prefer is a personal matter.
Finally, the delight of coffee undoubtedly transcends its happy role as a caffeine delivery mechanism. Coffee is just so damned good.
On the other hand, Nescafe™ is not good. It is evil. And defenders of tea will point out that tea not only tastes good but has a soothing ritualistic quality. I’ve heard arguments made that the famous Japanese tea ceremony is one of the most effective forms of psychotherapy yet devised.
So make your own decision. I drank gallons of bilious Nescafe™ in South America, but have forsaken it in China. As soon as I get back to the West, I will happily revert to my normal routine of daily coffee and occasional tea. I understand that some travelers to China simply need their morning coffee. But if you’re toting around a jar of Nescafe™ solely for the caffeine, realize that you do have other options.
And while I’m on the subject of coffee, tea, and caffeine, I have some good news and some bad news.
The bad news is that there is no evidence to suggest that tea has magic health-enhancing properties, despite the fact that it is murky and comes from Asia. Nutritionist types will talk about flavinoids and engrams and chakras, but you should mostly just drink tea because you like it.
The very, very good news is that there is no evidence to suggest coffee is bad for you, even though it is capable of inducing waves of eye-rolling pleasure. (Sadly, the cream I like to put in my coffee is unequivocally bad for me.)
I’ve heard some people suggest that coffee doesn’t mix with athletics, because caffeine is a diuretic. On the contrary, caffeine is a stimulant, and therefore mixes just fine with athletics, at least in my experience. It is also a diuretic, but I have a secret trick for dealing with this side effect: I drink some water.
Let’s keep this last bit of information between you and me. I need all the edge I can get. While Team Droopy stumbles around the field in a haze, Team Speedy will be twitching its way to glorious victory.
