The first time I tried to see Sichuan opera, I ended up at a dog show.
I paid the dollar admission fee in the hope that the event would be like the movie Best in Show. And it was, only a poorly edited version without any witty dialog.
I’m a bit of a dog person myself, although not in an obsessive, demented way. As I type these words, the dog I ate in Vietnam is undoubtedly staring at me reproachfully from some canine astral plane.
The only interesting thing I learned during my fifteen minutes at the show is that no attempt to impose class on a dog can mask its essential doggy nature. A championship dog still sniffs people in embarrassing places, chews its fur, barks at imaginary antagonists, and soils the carpet.
The second time I tried to see Sichuan opera, I ended up at an automotive parts trade show. I wandered inside to see how Chinese trade shows compare to their American counterparts.
I’m going to level with you. Part of the reason, perhaps even a majority of the reason, I wandered inside was to see how Chinese conference bimbos compare to their American counterparts. Before you judge me, let me assure you that my interest was strictly academic. Also, I’m well aware that the term “conference bimbo” is offensive and derogatory. I offer the weak defense that it refers to the job, not the person, and I will forever renounce its use as soon as someone tells me the correct term for the women (or men, theoretically) who are paid to look attractive while demonstrating e-procurement management software.
I was out of luck. When I entered, the conference was already packing up. So I instead wandered into the adjoining shopping mall. I enjoy visiting places like shopping malls in foreign countries, because the minor differences from home often give the places an unsettling surreality.
I perused the English-language floor map.
Fourth floor
- California Club. $2,500 annual membership fee. China is rich.
- California Bowling Alley. For those that can’t get into the club, I guess.
- Palm Springs Sauna. I’m sensing a theme here.
- Volcanic Island Music Bar. This sounds pretty much like my conception of hell.
- White Collar Hairdressing Center. Presumably the Blue Collar Barbershop is down by the old steel mill.
- Flamingo Dining Supermarket. For all your flamingo dining needs.
- Turtle & Snake Restaurant. Look out, TCBY.
Third floor
- Shunxing Authentic Teahouse. I scoffed at the notion of an “authentic” teahouse in a shopping mall. Only later did I realize that this was the opera venue I was searching for.
- Chengdu Famous Snack City. For me, “snack” is a consistently hilarious word, along the lines of “pants” and “monkey.” “Famous snack city” is definitely a phrase to roll around in your mouth for a while.
- Blue Danube Recalling Dance Hall. I do recall the Blue Danube, but I don’t recall its being a good place to take Salsa, Rhumba, Samba, and Cha Cha lessons, as advertised on a giant wall poster.
The lower levels held a variety of shops, including YaneSaintLaw, whose logo coincidentally happened to be identical to that of Yves Saint Laurent, and the Valentino Judang Monopolistic Shop. This latter appeared to sell leather goods, but I suppose when you’re famed monopolist Valentino Judang, you can sell whatever the hell you want.
The third time was a charm. The opera was good. You should check it out sometime.
