Pandas are “unbearably” cute!
OK, that’s more than enough of that. But I’m not going to lie to you. Giant pandas are incredibly cute. Red pandas: adorable. And panda cubs? Shameless. With all the climbing onto perches and falling over backwards onto fuzzy padded behinds, they’re just sickeningly, heart-meltingly cute. Cuter even than Tare Panda.
In no particularly order, here are the most surprising things I learned while at the Chengdu Giant Panda Breeding Research Center:
- The Chengdu Giant Panda Breeding Research Center isn’t a depressing shithole.
To see pandas, you can either visit the Chengdu zoo or the research center. The zoo is supposed to be pretty bleak, full of tourist hordes screaming at stuporous animals. My guidebook described the research center as “more educational,” which seemed like a pretty small hook to hang my hope on. I fully expected the visit to be a gloomy waste of time.
As it happened, the center was spacious, clean, and utterly free of tourists. Bizarrely, inexplicably free of tourists. We saw more pandas than tourists. I don’t know whether the center is just too difficult to get to, whether the zoo steals all the limelight, or whether SARS is keeping people home. Whatever the cause, the research center was a pleasure.
- Pandas make an unexpected whinnying noise. They don’t growl, which isn’t necessarily surprising, because they aren’t really bears. They’re more like giant raccoons. But raccoons don’t whinny either.
- The research center funds itself with panda prostitution. According to a promotional sign, for an unspecified donation you can have your picture taken with a panda. During the course of the photo session, you get to engage in general panda contact and frolicking. I was unable to ascertain the price of the panda’s services. Nor was it clear whether you can dress the panda, or whether you are expected to tip the panda. The sign had this to say about the experience:
This photo will become topic for talks when meeting your friends and relatives. What will remain is your smile and pleasant feelings, and it will demonstrate your image of Beneficence Ambassador forever!
Sickening. This will only contribute to the already rampant problem of panda pornography. (UPDATE: sources tell me it costs $25 to molest a panda.)
- Pandas have thumbs. This actually isn’t a surprise either. Any huge nerd knows that the panda’s thumb is one of the more celebrated cases of convergent evolution. However, actually watching pandas use their prehensile paws is a bit of a revelation. Given that the creatures essentially look like they are boneless and full of cotton batting, it is strangely fascinating to watch one of them pick up an apple in its massive club-like paw and daintily munch on it. Pandas don’t eat apples much more quickly than I do. This is probably a big part of their problem. If they were ravenously ingesting raw meat the way proper bears do, they might not be in such a bad state.
- Pandas probably deserve to go extinct. I know those sound like hard words, but pandas are the most slouching, indolent creatures in all of creation. I can’t believe they’ve lasted this long. What do panda bears have that dinosaurs lack? An utter indifference to their own wellbeing?
I’m shocked that the creationists haven’t yet latched onto the panda bear. These animals can’t even be bothered to screw. Clearly Darwinism is in need of some radical reformulation.
Pandas are obviously hip to the fact that enormous efforts are being made to keep them fat, happy, and fecund. They’ve become welfare queens. If they ever bothered to reproduce in meaningful numbers, they would risk losing their cush pads, their limitless supply of apples and bamboo, their celebrity spokesman status. It’s a racket. An incredibly adorable racket.
Heh. “Panda-monium.” That’s rich.
