Everyone loves Laos. The people in Laos are so easygoing, they tell you. Everyone is so laid back. No one hassles you about anything.
The more I heard Laos’ praises sung, the more suspicious I became. The best thing about Laos is that it isn’t Vietnam? Does the country have anything to offer besides a dearth of postcard sellers? The Laotians sounded to me a bit like the Hawaiians, another population caricatured by travelers as perenially mellow and content. I have only been to Hawaii once, on a corporate boondoggle, and the Hawaiians, bless their sluggishly beating hearts, drove me up a wall.
Ring ring.
“Hello?”
“Hi. Is this Maui Pro Scuba?”
“Yes it most certainly is.”
“Great. When do you close?”
“That, my friend, is an excellent question.”
“Thanks. What’s the answer?”
“To what? Oh, closing time. I would tell you if I knew.”
“You don’t know what time you close?”
“I never close. I also never open. I don’t work here. I just hang out in the shop.”
“Do you mind giving me to someone who does work in the shop?”
“No problemo. Do you want sweet and sour pork?”
“Excuse me?”
“Oh, I wasn’t talking to you. That’s funny. Well, as long as I’ve got you on the phone, do you want sweet and sour pork?”
After a few days of Hawaiian relaxation, I was ready to buy a gun. Would Laos induce a similar reaction?
Nor had it escaped my attention that some of the people who were most enthusiastic about Laos were — I’m searching for a delicate phrase here — useless stoners. “The people are so positive,” one aging German hippie assured me repeatedly. He used the the word “positive” in a way that made me feel deeply negative. This hippie was the sort who will volunteer, unasked, that he greatly enjoys the “positive” powers of marijuana, but disdains all those “chemical” drugs. You see, marijuana, like deadly nightshade, is leafy and green, and therefore good for you. Chemicals, on the other hand, are composed of atoms such as carbon and hydrogen, and therefore are bad. But if…pot is so…good for you…why are you…talking so slowly?
Now I’m in Laos. It’s too early to have a real impression. Vientiane is certainly sleepy, especially for a capital city. I admit that it is incredibly refreshing to bike around the streets and not hear a single car horn. I enjoy being able to stroll through a market or walk into a restaurant without being besieged. No one shouts at me when I bike past, and even when I draw looks, no one physically grabs me.
But if civilized traffic and a lack of hassle were enough, I would spend every vacation in Switzerland. The jury is still out on Laos.
